


I'm nothing but something that once was

by s_piderling



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Angst, Avengers: Endgame (Movie), Avengers: Endgame (Movie) Spoilers, Bucky Barnes Feels, Bucky Barnes Needs a Hug, Bucky-centric, Heartbreak, Multi, One-Sided Relationship, Pining, Post-Avengers: Endgame (Movie), You Can't Tell Me Bucky Was Okay With What Steve Did, sam is a good bro
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-01
Updated: 2019-05-01
Packaged: 2020-02-10 23:48:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,786
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18670879
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/s_piderling/pseuds/s_piderling
Summary: Steve didn’t choose him.Steve didn’t choose him, and Bucky’s trying to be okay with it.(It’s not working)(He’s not okay)





	I'm nothing but something that once was

**Author's Note:**

> Title taken from a Real Friends song. I couldn't handle the way the Russo's handled Bucky and Steve, so I'm writing a sad angst piece and then a fix-it

Steve didn’t choose him.

Steve didn’t choose him, and Bucky’s trying to be okay with it. 

(It’s not working) 

(He’s not okay)

It could be argued that he gave Steve the go-ahead. He’d encouraged him, actually. To see Peggy one last time before coming back, to get the closure she got but he didn’t. He didn’t expect Steve to tell him that he was going to stay and live out the life he never got. To leave Bucky alone in this new century, with people he’s fought in battle with but aren’t quite his friends. 

He’d try to but on a happy face though, because Steve’s the most important thing to him, and if Steve needs to do this, then Bucky would find a way to be okay with it. He has to, doesn’t he? Because Steve is old now, married and lived the life he always wanted, and Bucky is here, alone when he shouldn’t even be alive.

Sam had told him, back when they were trying to escape Stark, that Steve had torn up the world for him. That he’d broken the law time and time again. That Stark used to be his best friend, but he nearly killed him for Bucky. He’d let himself nearly die for Bucky. Everything he’s done in the past decade had seemingly been for Bucky. It’s not that Bucky’s not grateful. He is. If it weren’t for Steve he’d still be Hydra’s wind-up murder doll. But why would he put himself through all of that, only to leave Bucky alone? To act like it hadn’t mattered. He’s finally himself again, and Steve is what, going to go retire in a nice group home somewhere? 

Bucky knows, and has known, that he and Steve weren’t possible. In the 40s and 50s, it was a death sentence. Right after Hydra, Bucky had been a mess. And then there was cyro. And his goats. And Steve had been busy trying to get his name clean. 

He just thought that now…

 

He’s watching him and Sam talk. He sent Sam, because he knew he’d cry if he went. He’d ruin this for Steve. He watches Steve reach for the shield, hears the  _ try it on _ and can feel the moment his heart breaks in two. Was Bucky really nothing to him, then? He tore the world apart to get Bucky back, but now that he’s here he means nothing? The shield is soon to be one of the only things left of Steve Rogers and it’s in Sam’s possession now. 

He tries to pull on his old programming, the masks, but it doesn’t work. He can’t stop the way his lower lip wobbles, or the way he has to blink back tears. He turns on his heel and leaves, having no idea where he’s going, but wishing the fall out of the plane had done its job. 

 

He had a dream, back in the day. He’d shuffle most of his pay back to Steve, in case he got sick or needed anything. He’d fight, and Steve would stay as far away as possible. The war would be over, and he’d go back home to Steve. He’d be in the apartment, drawing or painting. Bucky would sneak in as quietly as possible, waiting until Steve noticed him. When he did, Steve would fling those tiny arms around him and hold him as tight as he could, and that’s when Bucky would tell him. He’d look Steve in the eye and tell him, “I love you, Stevie, and I’m home now.” And then Steve would call him a stupid jerk, and say he loved him too. They’d have to be quiet, to hide, but they’d have each other. They’d get through. 

But then Steve had to be Steve, and that idea turned on its head. And then he’d met Carter, and Bucky knew Steve wouldn’t be his. And then he was given that hope back, only for it to be crushed. Again. 

Logically, Bucky knows that it shouldn’t be this big of a deal. He’s always been attractive, objectively speaking. His nightmares aren’t so bad anymore, and there’s always going to be someone a little more messed up than him. He could pick up a fella off the street no problem, and there’d be no hiding or any fear about being together. But no random fella could replace Steve. He’s literally loved him for over a hundred years. 

 

He’s not far away enough to be deaf to the way Sam and Steve are calling for him. He wants to turn back, he does, but he also wants to pretend that none of it ever happened. He doesn’t speed up or slow down. 

“Bucky!” Sam can’t be more than a few feet behind him. He pauses briefly, but doesn’t turn around. He can’t. He’s still crying. 

Sam grabs him by the upper arm, spinning him around. “Man,” he says, out of breath, “you really worried Steve. He was going to run out here himself, but he’s got an old man’s body now, super soldier or not, and I didn’t want to risk it.” He looks at Bucky, then, really looks at him, and the grin falls right off his face. “What’s wrong?” 

Bucky could break out of Sam’s grip. He could break Sam’s arm, even, and be out of here fast. He could just run and not look back. 

“It’s nothing,” he says, even though it’s  _ everything _ . “It’s been an emotional couple of days for everyone, right?” 

“Yeah man,” Sam says, dropping his arm, “but you’ve got more than just general sadness going on. What’s up?” 

Bucky shouldn’t tell him. He doesn’t deserve to dump his problems on other people, and it’s pathetic enough as it is. But he’s been keeping this secret for decades. From Steve, from the Army, from fucking Hydra. 

“He left me, Sam,” is what he starts with, his voice catching embarrassingly. “There’s no more threats. Thanos is gone. Hydra is gone. We could finally be by each other’s side, and he left me, Sam.” 

“He’s still here, Bucky,” Sam tries to soothe. Bucky shakes his head violently. 

“He’s what? Seventy? Eighty? It’s not the same. He was supposed to put the stones back, have one last dance, and then come home.” The  _ to me _ is unsaid, but he thinks Sam hears it anyway, from the way his features soften.

“One last dance?” 

Bucky nods. “He talked to me about it, before he went. I encouraged him. Told him to get closure. I didn’t think -” he has to stop to take a shaky breath, “I didn’t think he’d go on to live in the seventies and come back old.” 

“That’s fucked up,” Sam shakes his head, “You had no idea he was doing this?” 

“No, I thought he was coming back normal. He kissed her once, Sam. Once, during the war. I’ve known him since we were kids. What makes her better than me, Sam? Why did he leave me?” He’s full-on crying now, his breath hitching and shoulders shaking. He knows he’s probably overreacting, but it hurts so bad. 

Sam hugs him, and Bucky can’t do anything but hug him back. “You’re going to be alright James, I know everyone says that but it’s true.” 

“I know there’s others that have actually lost people. Pepper and Morgan lost their husband and father, for fuck sakes. But at least Tony’s truly gone, you know? He saved the world, made it safe for them, and he’s gone. He’s not in front of them, taunting him with everything that could have been and then fucking off and leaving them alone to watch on.” 

He’s a dick, for comparing this to Tony’s death. It’s not the same, but it’s the only way he can articulate how he’s feeling. 

“You need to talk to Steve, dude,” Sam says, “Because I’m no help here, and you need the closure. Running off now? You’ll never get that.” 

“I don’t know if I can face him, Sam.” 

“You can, and you will. Come on, wipe your face. You’ll regret it forever if you leave now, without getting to say your piece.” 

They walk back in silence, but Sam keeps shooting him glances, like he’s going to run off at any moment. It’s tempting, because he feels like he’s walking to his death. But Sam is right, on some level. He’s going to love Steve all his life, but he needs the closure. If he somehow manages to move on down the line, he doesn’t want to do what Steve did to him to his fella. 

 

“Bucky,” Steve exhales, and he looks so relieved. He can’t really match up this old Steve to the one he knew, but it’s this or nothing. 

“You said one dance,” He accuses, deciding to skip pleasantries. “You said you were coming back.” 

“I did come back, Buck.” Steve reaches out, and Bucky recoils. 

“It’s not the same. You’re an old man now, Rogers. What am I supposed to do?” 

“What?” 

“Sam said you tore up the world to find me, to keep me safe. Why did you leave me right after? What am I supposed to do in a world without my best friend by my side?” 

“You  _ are  _ safe, Buck. And now you’re free to do whatever you want. No Hydra, no threats.” 

“It’s not the same!” Bucky yells, “It’s not the same! I am in love with you, you bastard. I have been since we were kids. I followed you everywhere, I did  _ everything _ for you. Being alive and healthy now? Sure, Sam and I are kind of friends. But I have nothing. This won’t really be living Steve, not without you.” 

“Buck-” Steve starts, but Bucky cuts him off. 

“You said one dance. To get closure. But where’s my fucking closure, Steve? You’re a super soldier, not inhuman. Who knows what growing old there will do to you now. Do you have years or months? You are all that was worth coming back for, and now you’re as good as gone. I don’t care if you don’t love me, if you’ve never felt anything but pure platonic friendship. But this? You doing this, leaving me alone without even telling me? That’s low, Rogers. Even for you.” 

Steve looks crushed. Bucky knows the feeling. 

“I’m getting out of here,” Bucky says, “Enjoy your life, or whatever.” 

He marches away again, but no one calls after him this time. He does catch the tail-end of whatever Steve’s telling Sam, though, and the following smack Sam delivers. 

_ I loved them both _ . 

Bucky snorts. He loved them both, sure, but he knows who Steve chose, and it wasn’t him.

It wouldn’t ever be him. 


End file.
